The Truth of Love

I have been struggling through Post Partum Depression. It has been very difficult for me. I am naturally a happy person. It is hard for me to understand or know what to do with the overwhelming sadness and panic attacks. What is probably the most difficult is the reoccurring feeling of not being loved. I know this feeling is not a true one for many reasons. I have a husband who loves me unconditionally, 3 girls who crave love and affection, and family who are vocal in their love for me. These are the things that I am constantly reminding myself of, because I'm not sure what else to do. It starts to feel true though, in the day to day isolation and through choices others make that are out of my control.


I know this didn't just begin recently. Beginning almost seven years ago, I suffered the tragedy of the first of 2 miscarriages. It seems almost absurd to be able to sum up that experience in one sentence. I got pregnant for the first time after my husband and I had just come through a very dark time in our lives. It seemed to be a light at the end of all that, only to be plunged into an even blacker hole. There are parts of my life at that time that I don't even remember.

Some people come through something like that able to grieve for their lost child and move on. It wasn't (and isn't) as simple as that for me. The loss of my child was connected to something much greater, in how I viewed God. I grieved for the lost hopes and dreams for our little one, but I was ripped apart by the silence from God. I had trusted Him and believed whole-heartedly that he loved me like no one else in the world ever could. I felt that I would even suffer through the tragedy, but needed desperately the comfort we are promised from Him. I felt none of that. If He could abandon me in this way, what does that say for the less than perfect world around me?